I went to the St-Justine Kids hospital this afternoon with Ocean (my oldest) to deliver Christmas stockings that he and his classmates at pre-school made for kids that were spending the christmas holidays sick in the hospital. We walked in and right away I got a small dose of what it would be like to have a child so ill that he or she would require a place like this. Don't get me wrong, the staff seems so amazing and the surroundings were kid friendly and inviting but who would want to see their child in a hospital... especially around Christmas time...
Ocean and I went upstairs to the volunteer wing and met up with some of the volunteers that were organising hundreds of gifts for kids. As I was delivering the boxes of christmas stockings a woman volunteer walked in and looked really sad. She started telling her story of what just happened in the other part of the hospital. This woman, aprox 45 years old, was called by one of the pediatric nurses to come and help this little boy, 7 months old (the age of my daughter). He had been crying all day and none of the nurses were able to help him or calm him down. The lady was apparently known in the hospital to have "the touch" when it came to children. So she went and was able to calm the baby down enough that he fell asleep in her arms, so she rocked him for a few hours... The lady wasn't sad about the little boy crying and not being able to be calmed down, she was sad cause the parents hadn't shown up to see, take care, rock, love, nurse, cherrish or hold for 4 days....
Tonight my daughter had a bit of hard time falling asleep because we have been out and about all day and didn't nap properly. So I went to her bedroom and rocked her for 30 mins and she fell asleep in my arms. I started thinking about this poor boy at the hospital.... I may not be the best mother in the world (and sometimes feel less than a great mother to my children) but I would NEVER leave my child alone at any age, especially at 7 months old, in a hospital hooked up to IVs and sick. I hold no judgement on the mother or father but I pray for their sake that something much more important had happened that prevented them from being by their child's side in the hospital. I would sleep on the floor beside that bed, walk hundreds of miles if I had no car to get to them, cancel everything in my life and not go to work even if it ment that I would be unable to pay my living in this world, to be by my child's side... regardless of what he or she had...
I ask everyone who reads this tonight to think, pray, send love, do whatever you do, to that little boy and all the kids in this world that don't have the luxury of having simple love from a mom or dad this Christmas. And at the same time lets take the time to do the same for all the kids that are sick and that may not live to see 2012.
xox
:'(
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Keep your health in check!
Mission #3 : Keep you health in check
As some of you might already know, I've had multiple medical issues since the birth of my youngest 5 ½ months ago. I haven't had the best track record when it comes to postpartum issues and my health. With my eldest, I had to endure 4 mastitis and lanrangitis that lasted a good 4 weeks and now with this last pregnancy my liver and gall bladder have been acting up and I am now facing issues with my digestive tract. As soon as I had given birth to my youngest I had very elevated Iron levels that took over 3 months to go back down to normal. It's a condition called Hemochromatosis. It's actually not that difficult to deal with but can cause long term problems if left untreated. Your body absorbs double the amount of iron into the blood and it pools in muscles and joints causing pain, it also puts stress on the liver because it attemps to filter it out of your blood (causing long term issues such as liver inflamation, failure or cancer). Being a woman (and having that montly gift ;-) urg... these levels often regulate themselves because of regular blood loss. Now this will become more of an issues as I leave my childbearing years later in life, which will require monthly or even weekly blood donations to keep levels normal. I also found out that I had this little mass in my liver and according to professionals hasn't grown in the last 3 months and is not of concern for now untill it grows... No stress whatsoever I say.... Anyways, I also had to address a certain situation with my GI tract, I will not go into details for those of you who really hate hearing about that kind of stuff... I met with the gastroenterologist the other week (not the first time for me, since the age of 16 have had issues with ulcers and poor digestion). The issue has become more of a concern now because it is more « severe » in nature let's call it and he is sending me for 3 really « unpleasant » tests. I will not describe LOL but will give you names and if you wish to research go for it.... Gastroscopy (my 4th one so far, been there done that), « intesting Grele » and « Colon contrast double ». Basically, ALL of my GI tract this time around instead of just the stomac.... Lovely.
I think it's important to my overall mental health to keep my general health in check and find out what the heck is going on. I have never seen a person who is in a lot of pain multiple times a week be a « happy » person. So in an atempt to help my mental self, I need to fix or find out the issues I have with my physical self. I have always had medical issues with my GI tract but now it's getting worst and it's time to take care of me. Even if it means a battery of tests that will be more than « unpleasant » to go through....
Cheers to health!
As some of you might already know, I've had multiple medical issues since the birth of my youngest 5 ½ months ago. I haven't had the best track record when it comes to postpartum issues and my health. With my eldest, I had to endure 4 mastitis and lanrangitis that lasted a good 4 weeks and now with this last pregnancy my liver and gall bladder have been acting up and I am now facing issues with my digestive tract. As soon as I had given birth to my youngest I had very elevated Iron levels that took over 3 months to go back down to normal. It's a condition called Hemochromatosis. It's actually not that difficult to deal with but can cause long term problems if left untreated. Your body absorbs double the amount of iron into the blood and it pools in muscles and joints causing pain, it also puts stress on the liver because it attemps to filter it out of your blood (causing long term issues such as liver inflamation, failure or cancer). Being a woman (and having that montly gift ;-) urg... these levels often regulate themselves because of regular blood loss. Now this will become more of an issues as I leave my childbearing years later in life, which will require monthly or even weekly blood donations to keep levels normal. I also found out that I had this little mass in my liver and according to professionals hasn't grown in the last 3 months and is not of concern for now untill it grows... No stress whatsoever I say.... Anyways, I also had to address a certain situation with my GI tract, I will not go into details for those of you who really hate hearing about that kind of stuff... I met with the gastroenterologist the other week (not the first time for me, since the age of 16 have had issues with ulcers and poor digestion). The issue has become more of a concern now because it is more « severe » in nature let's call it and he is sending me for 3 really « unpleasant » tests. I will not describe LOL but will give you names and if you wish to research go for it.... Gastroscopy (my 4th one so far, been there done that), « intesting Grele » and « Colon contrast double ». Basically, ALL of my GI tract this time around instead of just the stomac.... Lovely.
I think it's important to my overall mental health to keep my general health in check and find out what the heck is going on. I have never seen a person who is in a lot of pain multiple times a week be a « happy » person. So in an atempt to help my mental self, I need to fix or find out the issues I have with my physical self. I have always had medical issues with my GI tract but now it's getting worst and it's time to take care of me. Even if it means a battery of tests that will be more than « unpleasant » to go through....
Cheers to health!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I could really skip days like today
I really could skip days like today. Wake up feeling like I never slept a wink last night. I wanted to take care of myself last night by going to be bed early around 8h30pm which was a success untill the household had a different agenda. It started at 11pm with the dog puking, he spent 25 mins outside doing just that (last time I give that dog a bone, he's not a normal dog you see, he likes to swallow chuncks whole so they come back up a few hours later). Went back to bed around midnight to be awaken at 2h30 for God knows what reason (gotta love that depression insomnia that kicks in at just the right time, where you think of random crap that makes no sense and keeps you up forever). I think I fell back asleep around 3h15ish. 4H30 rolled around and my youngest just loves this time a night to start up a chat. I don't know what's gotten into her, she's been sleeping 12 hour nights since 11 weeks but now made a mission to wake up at this time every morning. This has been going on now for the past 3 weeks, which coincidently marks the time around PPD reared it's ugly face again.... Mother nature just loves helping you out heh? Anyways, she cries/talks/bables for aprox 30 mins untill I can't take it anymore and I go give her a pacifier (I know worst thing ever cause now she's learned that after aprox that amount of time I go give her what she wants, can you blame the girl? Seriously...). She fell back asleep around 5h15ish and of course, being a mom, I only fell asleep around 5h45am. The beautiful sunshine (I just want to shoot it) woke my kids up at 7h15....
So generally speaking for someone who is in good form and healthy, a day or so of this would be ok and not do much. But for someone who suffers from PPD (and a hubby who is away on buisness often like last night) is absolutly dreadfull the next day. No matter how many cups of coffee you take, it makes no difference and you end up just ridding the wave of numbness/zombie feeling all day. Just going through the motions with no emotions. I went to pick up hubby at the airport in the early afternoon and you guessed it... meltdown. Not the ripp my hair out meltdown, just crying and exhaustion which resulted in taking a nap.
I could really skip days like this. I keep thinking of the day that I can pull through these, let's all agree, normal everyday occurrences (kids being kids, dogs being dogs and humans just being humans). I hate feeling the way I did.
So I started making a missions list:
Mission #1: Take at least 4 hours of me time per week (Last weeks goal and it is accomplished :-)
Mission #2: Take naps as much as possible! (this weeks goal)
Here's to accomplishing goals!
Have a good day :-)
So generally speaking for someone who is in good form and healthy, a day or so of this would be ok and not do much. But for someone who suffers from PPD (and a hubby who is away on buisness often like last night) is absolutly dreadfull the next day. No matter how many cups of coffee you take, it makes no difference and you end up just ridding the wave of numbness/zombie feeling all day. Just going through the motions with no emotions. I went to pick up hubby at the airport in the early afternoon and you guessed it... meltdown. Not the ripp my hair out meltdown, just crying and exhaustion which resulted in taking a nap.
I could really skip days like this. I keep thinking of the day that I can pull through these, let's all agree, normal everyday occurrences (kids being kids, dogs being dogs and humans just being humans). I hate feeling the way I did.
So I started making a missions list:
Mission #1: Take at least 4 hours of me time per week (Last weeks goal and it is accomplished :-)
Mission #2: Take naps as much as possible! (this weeks goal)
Here's to accomplishing goals!
Have a good day :-)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Our Role
Too many times I have said that we women always come last. WE hold the house together, WE cook, WE clean, WE make and go to appointments with the kids, WE make sure they're are taken care of, WE drive the kids to school or daycare, WE stay up all night with them when they have gastro and WE clean AND disinfect the entire house to make sure no one else gets it, WE do the laundry, yes WE know where hubby last left his wallet and keys, WE are the shoulder to cry on, and finally but not least WE work (most of us full time...).
I know that I might gets some weird look or haters after I state the following (you know what? I really don't care what others think): I personally think that we women have shot ourselves in the foot when it comes to our role in the household. Let's roll back the clock 200 years and women were stay at home mothers that did all of the above mentioned except the working full time part. Men provided the income to support the family household (they didn't do much as of taking care of the children which in my eyes should of been a must, but that's another topic for a later debate). Women held down the fort. With all of this pushing to be equal parts in this world, men have come to accept us as equal counter parts and have learned to work side by side with us. Great for us, but men (not all but most) expect us to do the same things we did before even if we are equal counter parts and work full time.... So we get shafted with not one (taking care of kids and household) but two full time jobs. We literally work 24/7 and then some.
We wake up an extra hour before everyone else in the house, to take a shower, make lunches for everyone, wake everyone up in time, and go pull them out of bed 15 mins later (hubby included). Dress the kids, see them off to school or daycare (sometimes that includes dropping them off) and rush off to work where you are expected to give your 150% and succeed as a woman in the work place. Rush to pick up the kids from daycare, rush home, make dinner, clean up dinner (sometimes the hubby will help with this cause you've nagged him enough to do so), bathe the kids, read stories and put them to bed. After that, you run around the house to tidy up, do laundry and prepare for the next day.
Hubby gets woken up in the morning, then pulled out of bed 15 mins later. Takes a shower while the kids are eating breakfast, gathers his things for work and runs out. He often gives his 150% and is very successful. Comes home and sits down for dinner, cleans up dinner cause he doesn't want to hear you complain anymore, sits in front of the TV to watch his shows...
Ok so generally speaking I'm exaggerating the stories, but I just want to show the delegation of responsibilities that usually arise in a family setting. Yes some men are more than willing to help around the house with chores and this is not your “typical” family functioning but the point is that we women tend to have more responsibilities when it comes to life.
It doesn't take a 100w bulb to figure out why all types of depression are on the rise in women...
I sometimes catch myself fantasizing about what life would be like for myself if I was born in the 1800's. I may have been in a arranged marriage with someone that I may not love fully, being intimate would include me practically getting raped, and I would leave my house only on very rare occasions to attend a funeral or two. We have come a long way from that and I am truly thankful for it. But I believe we still have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of adaption. I've had this discussion with my husband before and he has admitted to me that if he had to do everything that I do in one day, he wouldn't be able to do it for long.
I know that I might gets some weird look or haters after I state the following (you know what? I really don't care what others think): I personally think that we women have shot ourselves in the foot when it comes to our role in the household. Let's roll back the clock 200 years and women were stay at home mothers that did all of the above mentioned except the working full time part. Men provided the income to support the family household (they didn't do much as of taking care of the children which in my eyes should of been a must, but that's another topic for a later debate). Women held down the fort. With all of this pushing to be equal parts in this world, men have come to accept us as equal counter parts and have learned to work side by side with us. Great for us, but men (not all but most) expect us to do the same things we did before even if we are equal counter parts and work full time.... So we get shafted with not one (taking care of kids and household) but two full time jobs. We literally work 24/7 and then some.
We wake up an extra hour before everyone else in the house, to take a shower, make lunches for everyone, wake everyone up in time, and go pull them out of bed 15 mins later (hubby included). Dress the kids, see them off to school or daycare (sometimes that includes dropping them off) and rush off to work where you are expected to give your 150% and succeed as a woman in the work place. Rush to pick up the kids from daycare, rush home, make dinner, clean up dinner (sometimes the hubby will help with this cause you've nagged him enough to do so), bathe the kids, read stories and put them to bed. After that, you run around the house to tidy up, do laundry and prepare for the next day.
Hubby gets woken up in the morning, then pulled out of bed 15 mins later. Takes a shower while the kids are eating breakfast, gathers his things for work and runs out. He often gives his 150% and is very successful. Comes home and sits down for dinner, cleans up dinner cause he doesn't want to hear you complain anymore, sits in front of the TV to watch his shows...
Ok so generally speaking I'm exaggerating the stories, but I just want to show the delegation of responsibilities that usually arise in a family setting. Yes some men are more than willing to help around the house with chores and this is not your “typical” family functioning but the point is that we women tend to have more responsibilities when it comes to life.
It doesn't take a 100w bulb to figure out why all types of depression are on the rise in women...
I sometimes catch myself fantasizing about what life would be like for myself if I was born in the 1800's. I may have been in a arranged marriage with someone that I may not love fully, being intimate would include me practically getting raped, and I would leave my house only on very rare occasions to attend a funeral or two. We have come a long way from that and I am truly thankful for it. But I believe we still have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of adaption. I've had this discussion with my husband before and he has admitted to me that if he had to do everything that I do in one day, he wouldn't be able to do it for long.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Me time...
I, like most of us, need “me time”. What do you do when you literally can't find any? I know I know, you have to MAKE time for yourself. Here's my dilemma, and I'm sure most of you feel the same way:
You wake up in the morning to the sound of your baby chatting and/or crying in their crib, your in your Pejays, go get the baby, rush downstairs after changing diaper through cries and screams, go get a bottle ready. You almost stumble over most of the toys that are laying on the ground to « plug » your baby with milk so she will stop, in fear of making too much noise so the older one doesn't wake up. Baby in arms devouring the bottle, too late, he's calling your name from the top of the stairs cause he has to go pee. « OK honey, just use the bathroom. Mommy will be up in a minute to help you out » « But it's dark in there and I'm scared... ». Put baby down, remove bottle and full blown screech. Run upstairs, turn on the light, fidget with the « oh so cute » one piece pejays he's wearing (remove one leg and the other), and the flood gates open, on the floor. He starts crying cause he peed himself and you weren't fast enough getting him on the seat. Baby screams louder... Run to the bedroom, get new underwear and clothes, dress the kid. Run downstairs and « plug » baby again....
Baby done, oldest one wants breakfast. Make breakfast. Clean up mess on the table, the chair, the floor, and the clothes. Baby's crying, again. Go change poop diaper. Baby likes to wiggle, isn't it cute she's starting to roll over :-) and the poop goes with it. She's laughing, your sweating, and your oldest is asking you to transform his transformer back to a plane. Dress baby (with new clothes), brush oldest teeth. Run downstairs cause you can smell the toasts burning (you know the ones you just made for yourself...). Put toast in the garbage can, there goes your breakfast cause your oldest one wants to watch a movie. « Just wait a little minute, go play with some toys » and tantrum, cause one minute is too long to wait for a 3 year old. Bring him to room, he wasn't nice when he hit you cause you wouldn't put the movie on.
Sigh... Feed baby cereal (isn't it nice, she's starting to eat solids :-). Did I mention she loves to sneeze right after you put that first spoonful in her mouth. Finish with her meal, change her clothes cause she's wearing most of what she supposedly ate... Oldest is crying in his room and asks you to come out. Have a small chat with him to explain why it isn't nice to hit people. Baby cries, she's exhausted. Put baby down for a nap. Oh finally! It's 9 am......... Please don't tell me I have another 12 hours of this? Seriously? Put a smile on and go wash and make bottles for the day and make lunch for the oldest.
You finally change out of your pejays when you have both kids buckled in the car (ready to bring the oldest one to nursery school). Isn't it great when your kid's teacher tells you « you look tired »?
I can go on about how chaotic the rest of the day is but I'm sure you get the big picture. It's non stop!
By the time hubby gets home, you look like you got run over by a dump truck. He comes in strolling and your jealous because he had 45 mins to himself alone in the car with his personal thoughts and radio... « So tonight, what do you say if I pop us a little bottle of bubbly? ;-) » wink wink. Nudge nudge.... Are you for real? I have laundry and vomit to clean up by the back door from YOUR dog from earlier in the day.
When does a woman find « me time » in there?
By the time my « me time » comes around I'm snoring in bed.... That's my « me time ».
All this to say that I obviously wouldn't trade any of this chaos for any amount of money in the world, if you told me that my kids wouldn't be part of my life (or hubby ;-). I think it's important to make time for « me time » NO MATTER WHAT! It's the only way to stay sane. Cause God forbid, if you made hubby do your overtime not paid full time job, he would schedule himself a pedicure and manicure... after 2 hours :-)
I think the lack of « me time » is a huge contributor to how severe the symptoms of post postpartum depression are. After spending a full week alone (hubby being gone on business) I get a lot more emotional, exhausted and overwhelmed. That creates a huge problem when hubby does come home cause time we could be catching up on how we missed each other, is spent on me hyperventilating and having a melt down. Gosh, I really do envy him, being able to have alone time on a plane or in a hotel room... how nice that would be!
Mission #1: Find « me time » at least once a week for a period of 4 hours or more.
I know it seems like a lot, but damn it! I deserve it! Because I matter. We all matter.
You wake up in the morning to the sound of your baby chatting and/or crying in their crib, your in your Pejays, go get the baby, rush downstairs after changing diaper through cries and screams, go get a bottle ready. You almost stumble over most of the toys that are laying on the ground to « plug » your baby with milk so she will stop, in fear of making too much noise so the older one doesn't wake up. Baby in arms devouring the bottle, too late, he's calling your name from the top of the stairs cause he has to go pee. « OK honey, just use the bathroom. Mommy will be up in a minute to help you out » « But it's dark in there and I'm scared... ». Put baby down, remove bottle and full blown screech. Run upstairs, turn on the light, fidget with the « oh so cute » one piece pejays he's wearing (remove one leg and the other), and the flood gates open, on the floor. He starts crying cause he peed himself and you weren't fast enough getting him on the seat. Baby screams louder... Run to the bedroom, get new underwear and clothes, dress the kid. Run downstairs and « plug » baby again....
Baby done, oldest one wants breakfast. Make breakfast. Clean up mess on the table, the chair, the floor, and the clothes. Baby's crying, again. Go change poop diaper. Baby likes to wiggle, isn't it cute she's starting to roll over :-) and the poop goes with it. She's laughing, your sweating, and your oldest is asking you to transform his transformer back to a plane. Dress baby (with new clothes), brush oldest teeth. Run downstairs cause you can smell the toasts burning (you know the ones you just made for yourself...). Put toast in the garbage can, there goes your breakfast cause your oldest one wants to watch a movie. « Just wait a little minute, go play with some toys » and tantrum, cause one minute is too long to wait for a 3 year old. Bring him to room, he wasn't nice when he hit you cause you wouldn't put the movie on.
Sigh... Feed baby cereal (isn't it nice, she's starting to eat solids :-). Did I mention she loves to sneeze right after you put that first spoonful in her mouth. Finish with her meal, change her clothes cause she's wearing most of what she supposedly ate... Oldest is crying in his room and asks you to come out. Have a small chat with him to explain why it isn't nice to hit people. Baby cries, she's exhausted. Put baby down for a nap. Oh finally! It's 9 am......... Please don't tell me I have another 12 hours of this? Seriously? Put a smile on and go wash and make bottles for the day and make lunch for the oldest.
You finally change out of your pejays when you have both kids buckled in the car (ready to bring the oldest one to nursery school). Isn't it great when your kid's teacher tells you « you look tired »?
I can go on about how chaotic the rest of the day is but I'm sure you get the big picture. It's non stop!
By the time hubby gets home, you look like you got run over by a dump truck. He comes in strolling and your jealous because he had 45 mins to himself alone in the car with his personal thoughts and radio... « So tonight, what do you say if I pop us a little bottle of bubbly? ;-) » wink wink. Nudge nudge.... Are you for real? I have laundry and vomit to clean up by the back door from YOUR dog from earlier in the day.
When does a woman find « me time » in there?
By the time my « me time » comes around I'm snoring in bed.... That's my « me time ».
All this to say that I obviously wouldn't trade any of this chaos for any amount of money in the world, if you told me that my kids wouldn't be part of my life (or hubby ;-). I think it's important to make time for « me time » NO MATTER WHAT! It's the only way to stay sane. Cause God forbid, if you made hubby do your overtime not paid full time job, he would schedule himself a pedicure and manicure... after 2 hours :-)
I think the lack of « me time » is a huge contributor to how severe the symptoms of post postpartum depression are. After spending a full week alone (hubby being gone on business) I get a lot more emotional, exhausted and overwhelmed. That creates a huge problem when hubby does come home cause time we could be catching up on how we missed each other, is spent on me hyperventilating and having a melt down. Gosh, I really do envy him, being able to have alone time on a plane or in a hotel room... how nice that would be!
Mission #1: Find « me time » at least once a week for a period of 4 hours or more.
I know it seems like a lot, but damn it! I deserve it! Because I matter. We all matter.
Monday, October 3, 2011
A not so great weekend....
I really thought that after 5 months of « being » in the clear when it comes to PPD, I was ready to put it all behind and move on with my PPD free life.... yeah right
As much as I want to believe that I am a strong woman and that nothing can stand in my way, I'm extremely vulnerable. This weekend was a true wake up call and has showed me that I am not 100% clear of this PPD after all.
I have proved to myself time and time again that I CAN DO THIS! Example: 2 weeks ago I was in quite the predicament. Hubby was gone all week on business (with his new job) and I was left with my toddler and my 5 month old. I was also planning my parent's surprise 30th wedding anniversary party that I was planing all on my own. Also had a doctor's appointment for the youngest one and had to juggle all of that and bring my oldest to school everyday (but Wednesday). Oh did I mention also that I had a 3 tier cake to make from scratch for 50 – 60 people. Never once did I loose control or feel overwhelmed. I felt on top of my game and proud of myself for keeping it together.
And this weekend.... No stress, no huge planning or events going on. Only the kids being kids: My oldest going through regular tantrums and the youngest teething and not sleeping as well as she used to. All this combined (which is nothing compared to last weekend) and full blown melt down on Sunday... Why? Who the heck knows, but all I can say is how extremely frustrated with myself I am. I really wished I was this « perfect » mother who looks, feels and acts cool, calm and collected in public and at home. But something tells me that THAT 's not even the norm.
Not a lot of people understand how PPD works and most people brush it off as... « wow, look at her freak out over nothing » but it's real and it's awful. It's the self realization that whatever you thought you could go through, your body has a different agenda. Like wanting to walk forward and your legs giving way to your body. It doesn’t matter how much you want to walk, you just can't.
I have a dear friend that has gone through PPD herself and is facing, like me, a second pregnancy in the unknown of if she will beat it this time or not. We share stories and support each other but I feel like I have kind of failed her in some way. I really was hoping to support her by showing her that it can be done and that she can have a PPD free second time around. So in some way I don't want to admit this to myself or her that I think this stupid illness has showed it's ugly face again in my life in fear that I will let her down.
So here starts my journey... Again. But this time, I don't want to be numbed by all these pharmaceuticals and live like a zombie (for some this is the only way and it's OK to need medication) but I'm not ready to deal with that again. I, for the most part, don't remember much of my oldest first year of life. Hopefully I can document my progress with « natural » means and at the same time provide some sort of therapy for myself and maybe for others.
As much as I want to believe that I am a strong woman and that nothing can stand in my way, I'm extremely vulnerable. This weekend was a true wake up call and has showed me that I am not 100% clear of this PPD after all.
I have proved to myself time and time again that I CAN DO THIS! Example: 2 weeks ago I was in quite the predicament. Hubby was gone all week on business (with his new job) and I was left with my toddler and my 5 month old. I was also planning my parent's surprise 30th wedding anniversary party that I was planing all on my own. Also had a doctor's appointment for the youngest one and had to juggle all of that and bring my oldest to school everyday (but Wednesday). Oh did I mention also that I had a 3 tier cake to make from scratch for 50 – 60 people. Never once did I loose control or feel overwhelmed. I felt on top of my game and proud of myself for keeping it together.
And this weekend.... No stress, no huge planning or events going on. Only the kids being kids: My oldest going through regular tantrums and the youngest teething and not sleeping as well as she used to. All this combined (which is nothing compared to last weekend) and full blown melt down on Sunday... Why? Who the heck knows, but all I can say is how extremely frustrated with myself I am. I really wished I was this « perfect » mother who looks, feels and acts cool, calm and collected in public and at home. But something tells me that THAT 's not even the norm.
Not a lot of people understand how PPD works and most people brush it off as... « wow, look at her freak out over nothing » but it's real and it's awful. It's the self realization that whatever you thought you could go through, your body has a different agenda. Like wanting to walk forward and your legs giving way to your body. It doesn’t matter how much you want to walk, you just can't.
I have a dear friend that has gone through PPD herself and is facing, like me, a second pregnancy in the unknown of if she will beat it this time or not. We share stories and support each other but I feel like I have kind of failed her in some way. I really was hoping to support her by showing her that it can be done and that she can have a PPD free second time around. So in some way I don't want to admit this to myself or her that I think this stupid illness has showed it's ugly face again in my life in fear that I will let her down.
So here starts my journey... Again. But this time, I don't want to be numbed by all these pharmaceuticals and live like a zombie (for some this is the only way and it's OK to need medication) but I'm not ready to deal with that again. I, for the most part, don't remember much of my oldest first year of life. Hopefully I can document my progress with « natural » means and at the same time provide some sort of therapy for myself and maybe for others.
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