A not so great weekend....

I really thought that after 5 months of « being » in the clear when it comes to PPD, I was ready to put it all behind and move on with my PPD free life.... yeah right

As much as I want to believe that I am a strong woman and that nothing can stand in my way, I'm extremely vulnerable. This weekend was a true wake up call and has showed me that I am not 100% clear of this PPD after all.

I have proved to myself time and time again that I CAN DO THIS! Example: 2 weeks ago I was in quite the predicament. Hubby was gone all week on business (with his new job) and I was left with my toddler and my 5 month old. I was also planning my parent's surprise 30th wedding anniversary party that I was planing all on my own. Also had a doctor's appointment for the youngest one and had to juggle all of that and bring my oldest to school everyday (but Wednesday). Oh did I mention also that I had a 3 tier cake to make from scratch for 50 – 60 people. Never once did I loose control or feel overwhelmed. I felt on top of my game and proud of myself for keeping it together.

And this weekend.... No stress, no huge planning or events going on. Only the kids being kids: My oldest going through regular tantrums and the youngest teething and not sleeping as well as she used to. All this combined (which is nothing compared to last weekend) and full blown melt down on Sunday... Why? Who the heck knows, but all I can say is how extremely frustrated with myself I am. I really wished I was this « perfect » mother who looks, feels and acts cool, calm and collected in public and at home. But something tells me that THAT 's not even the norm.

Not a lot of people understand how PPD works and most people brush it off as... « wow, look at her freak out over nothing » but it's real and it's awful. It's the self realization that whatever you thought you could go through, your body has a different agenda. Like wanting to walk forward and your legs giving way to your body. It doesn’t matter how much you want to walk, you just can't.

I have a dear friend that has gone through PPD herself and is facing, like me, a second pregnancy in the unknown of if she will beat it this time or not. We share stories and support each other but I feel like I have kind of failed her in some way. I really was hoping to support her by showing her that it can be done and that she can have a PPD free second time around. So in some way I don't want to admit this to myself or her that I think this stupid illness has showed it's ugly face again in my life in fear that I will let her down.

So here starts my journey... Again. But this time, I don't want to be numbed by all these pharmaceuticals and live like a zombie (for some this is the only way and it's OK to need medication) but I'm not ready to deal with that again. I, for the most part, don't remember much of my oldest first year of life. Hopefully I can document my progress with « natural » means and at the same time provide some sort of therapy for myself and maybe for others.